Publisher: Celadon Books
Published: April 26, 2022
Source: ARC Paperback via Publisher
Summary:
From the detective who found The Golden State Killer, a memoir of investigating America’s toughest cold cases and the rewards–and toll–of a life solving crime.
I order another bourbon, neat. This is the drink that will flip the switch. I don’t even know how I got here, to this place, to this point. Something is happening to me lately. I’m drinking too much. My sheets are soaking wet when I wake up from nightmares of decaying corpses. I order another drink and swig it, trying to forget about the latest case I can’t shake.
Crime-solving for me is more complex than the challenge of the hunt, or the process of piecing together a scientific puzzle. The thought of good people suffering drives me, for better or worse, to the point of obsession.
People always ask how I am able to detach from the horrors of my work. Part of it is an innate capacity to compartmentalize; the rest is experience and exposure, and I’ve had plenty of both. But I had always taken pride in the fact that I can keep my feelings locked up to get the job done. It’s only been recently that it feels like all that suppressed darkness is beginning to seep out.
When I look back at my long career, there is a lot I am proud of. I have caught some of the most notorious killers of the twenty-first century and brought justice and closure for their victims and families. I want to tell you about a lifetime solving these cold cases, from Laci Peterson to Jaycee Dugard to the Pittsburg homicides to, yes, my twenty-year-long hunt for the Golden State Killer.
But a deeper question eats at me as I ask myself, at what cost? I have sacrificed relationships, joy—even fatherhood—because the pursuit of evil always came first. Did I make the right choice? It’s something I grapple with every day. Yet as I stand in the spot where a young girl took her last breath, as I look into the eyes of her family, I know that, for me, there has never been a choice. “I don’t know if I can solve your case,” I whisper. “But I promise I will do my best.”
It is a promise I know I can keep.
My thoughts:
I love reading true crime and so I was thrilled when this book landed in my mailbox. I had seen a few rave reviews of it already and could not wait to dig in…and it totally delivered in every way.
A few years ago, I read Michelle McNamara’s I’ll Be Gone in the Dark, which totally captived me and this one has a very similar feel to it. Like Michelle, Paul was obsessed with The Golden State Killer and he even worked with Michelle before her untimely death. He also worked on a few other rather famous cases – cases I have actually heard about, including Jaycee Dugar and Laci Peterson.
What I loved about this book is just how personal it was. You could see the personal toll these cases took on Paul as he had to balance his work and is family, many times putting work above all else. I also loved that this book really takes the time to explain some of the processes behind the job. Not that I am now an expert on what he does, but I feel I have a much better understanding of what it is he does/did and I really cannot thank him and all the people in this field for putting in the time to solve these cases.
This book totally consumed me from the minute I started reading it. Yes, it’s disturbing and at times graphic, but if you like true crime, then this is definitely a must-read.
